Monday, January 31, 2011

Should My Break Up Letter To My Professor Be In MLA Format?

Cougartown - 

Cougar - “An older woman who is past her prime & who is attracted to younger men, often as an act of desperation or as a last resort”- Urban Dictionary

I’m going to let Barney Stinson explain how to identify one, Start with the hair. The cougar keeps up with the current hairstyles as a form of camouflage. The prey may not realize that he has engaged a cougar until he is already being dragged, helpless, back to her lair. Now the blouse, the cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. While you're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce.  I see the claws! Long and sharp to ward off rival females...or open alimony checks."–Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother

I was at a popular bar last night with two friends; there wasn’t much unusual going on at the bar, well nothing other than what I have previously described about the men in SF.  But then the clock struck 12, and a whole “schoolyard” of cougars infiltrated the bar.  Little did I know, but they travel together.  They ran towards the bar to hunt down the cute bartender and fought each other for his attention in the hopes flashing him a boob. 

I’m not entirely against cougars; they usually go for ManBoys that need someone who can buy them remote controlled toy cars and the latest Call of Duty video game.  I’d rather have the cougars hunt them down and sweep these men off the market.  Please also keep them on a tight leash and don’t let them out alone without a cougar chaperone. 

The problem with cougars is this need to compete, escorted by bitchiness against other women (especially towards women that are younger than them).  It’s awkward to be 35+ and be caught wearing Forever 21 (see famous Cougar below), but whatever happened to sisterhood?  It’s understandable that people have different priorities in life, some people in their late 30s, are married and raising kids, while others spent their prime making a great career for themselves.  But why is the latter so insecure?  And why the need to compete with women half your age?  
Dear friends of mine, if I am 35 and single, please shoot me. 

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Welcome to Ruby Skye!

That's what I'm talking about. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

It's Over!

Dear San Francisco,

I always admired you; you’re diverse, commercial, historic and beautiful.  It’s sad to find that when you dig deeper, you’re just a big tourist attraction.  I’d rather go to Disneyland instead. Here are a few reasons why we won't work out - 

  • Weather – Being a part of sunny California had no effect on SF
  • Straight Men – Where should I start?  You’re a city where straight men eat brunch with a group of other straight men.   A city where straight men go to bars to talk to other straight men in a circle, facing their backs to the beautiful ladies that stand behind them.  The men may call it a city where 6s think they are 10s, but honestly any man that is even mildly interested in a woman, should treat her like a 10. I’m not saying there are no men in the city, there are plenty.  The city is surrounded by men.  Men that get off from work and get on their phones to check how their Fantasy Football League is performing rather than talking to the cute girl sitting next to them on the Muni.  Then, they run back home, get on their blog and complain about how there are no women in the city.   I don’t completely blame you for the lack of manliness, the men that move here were the top of their class in high school, got straight As in college, and spent all their time juggling science text books, video games, chess clubs, MMORPGs, Star Wars and Comic-Con conventions and did not have the time to develop any social skills. 
  • What’s a nicer word for “ugly” - The one and only reason that people in SF hate the people in LA, is because they are jealous.  They come up with reasons such as the fakeness of LA, or the traffic, or the silicon implants.  But deep down, LA is always SF’s prettier sister that got all the boys.  And our lovely San Franciscans may say that they do not believe superficiality, that’s only to mask their own lack of beauty.
  •  Failure to launch – Whether you’re a 22 year old college grad or a 40 year old business executive, if you’re a San Franciscan, you probably lead similar lifestyles.  Somehow the need to “settle” (dare I say that word) down or stabilize your life is absent.  You live with roommates, no matter how old you are.  You “hang out” with girls, in the hope of getting laid.  You go to clubs to see your favorite DJ (never heard of the favorite DJ concept until I moved here).  You probably earn the same salary too.  When are you actually going to grow up?
Sorry San Francisco, I think we need to see other cities.

P.S. My list is not all inclusive yet.